Back in Action

It’s been a long hiatus from blogging.  How do I explain and why am I back?  Not sure that I know but touching base with my blog is a step on the way.

In theory, all is well with me my family and my life.  Instead of reveling in a good life and enjoying the trip, I find myself dissatisfied and critical.  I am conscious of  all the imperfections in my decisions and as a result, hesitant about moving on.  One constant in my life is a need to be perfect and make the right choices.  I have struggled before and moved on with less than perfect actions which turned out ok.  It seems that I can’t learn that lesson however and continue to struggle.

It has been over a year since our last trip to Florence.  Deterioration of both knees (bone on bone joint action) caused me to reconsider knee replacement surgery which I had dismissed.  I discovered that this surgery is quite refined and the recovery is quick and changed my mind last summer.  The first knee was replaced in September and I was so pleased that I scheduled the second in December.

My knees are trouble free by now although full healing will take a few more months.  Originally I expected that we would be ready for travel in March,  My body, however,  has been telling me otherwise.  It seems that fixing my knees and the bad posture that resulted from the knee problems has caused my back to complain.  I have good support from a personal trainer but I still lack the feeling of recovery that I need to schedule a trip.  I want to feel good before committing but something tells me that I need to move forward.

Thinking about this sticking point brought me back to blogging.  There is clarification in putting my mental gymnastics into words.  I hope that my mission and path will come clear as I journal the endeavor.

So that is why I am back.  There are, of course, more details and issues in my life but those can wait for later.  I need to be moving right now and posting this report puts me on record.

Trip Anxiety and Emotional Balance

Our Next One Month Travel trip

In three weeks we leave on another trip. This time it’s to Belgium with a two day stop in Istanbul. I’m excited about the trip but I’m also anxious. The reservations are made. There are just a few more details to handle. It ought to be a time for pleasant anticipation as we prepare for an adventure Instead I am anguishing over details and second guessing four readiness for the trip. It won’t stop until our bags are checked at the airport. Until then I can mange the emotions but not eliminate them. Even though I can justify everything in our plan, deep within me there are big questions about the trip. They center on the expense but there is a deeper thread which is much more difficult to dismiss. Something inside me insists emphatically that I don’t deserve to go. I haven’t earned it.

Why am I so anxious?

Why am I so anxious?

I’m good at rationalizing decisions and explaining away objections. I can counter each one. I can explain that yes we can afford the trip. I can show how responsible and frugal we are in our retirement lifestyle. I can tell myself that after 50 years working and raising a family, we deserve to indulge ourselves just a little. But it doesn’t really help. The nagging is relentless and I’m not persuading myself. Each doubt and criticism I address is replaced by another. Each point I make is challenged again and again. [click to continue…]

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Travel Haiku

I can’t resist the urge to compose haiku.  Today I present two recent efforts capturing feelings about travel.

Travel Emotions

Travel Emotions

Preflight Jitters

Adventure ahead
excitement surges then halts
what did I forget?

Coming Home

Cerebral stalemate
longing and regret locked in
Bittersweet turmoil.

You can find my other poetry on the Bad Poetry Page.  I accept comments, critism, both constructive and no-holds-barred,  and welcome readers to share their creations in the comments.

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